10. The Whole System is Broken
A plumber is sent to the gulag as a political prisoner. An intellectual asks him, “You are a plumber. What could you have possibly done?” The plumber replies “I was called to the politburo office to check some problem with the sewage pipes. I told them that the whole system is broken and has to be replaced. They sent me here”
Kurushchev once visited a pig farm. The local Pravda office was asked to publish the photos of the visit. The editor could not think of a suitable caption for the photo “Comrade Kurushchev with pigs”, “Pigs with Comrade Kurushchev”, nothing sounded right. FInally he titled it “Comrade Kurushchev- Third from the left”
At the 1980 Olympics, Brezhnev begins his speech. “O!”—applause. “O!”—more applause. “O!”—yet more applause. “O!”—an ovation. “O!!!”—the whole audience stands up and applauds. An aide comes running to the podium and whispers, “Leonid Ilyich, those are the olympic rings, you don’t need to read it!”
7. Visiting the Nine
A Russian, a Frenchman and an American argued who was the bravest man. The American said, “For example, we take ten cars of which one has no brakes. We throw dice, each of us gets a car, we drive on a mountain road. Afterwards one of us is in a hospital, and the other nine visit him there.”
“That’s nothing,” the Frenchman said. “We choose ten girls and one of them has AIDS. We throw dice and each one of us gets a girl, and we make love to them throughout the night. Afterwards one of us is in a hospital, and the other nine visit him.”
The Russian said, “We gather in an apartment, even though we know that one of us must be an informer. We tell political jokes throughout the night, and then nine are in jail, and one visits the nine there.”
6. They’ve Run out of Bullets
Stalin is dead and things have begun to lighten up a bit relatively speaking. An old couple live in an apartment in Moscow and she sends him down to buy some meat for supper. After queuing for the obligatory three hours he gets to the counter and the woman says ‘No more meat, meat finished’. He cracks and starts raving ‘I fought in the Revolution, I fought for Lenin in the First World War and for Stalin in the Second World War and we are still in this shit?’ One of the leather-jacketed brigade takes him on one side and says ‘Look old man you know you can’t talk like this. Just think, a few years ago you would have been shot for saying these things.’ The old man trudges home. His wife seeing him empty-handed says ‘Run out of meat again have they?’ He says: ‘It’s worse than that, they’ve run out of bullets.’
5.”Chernobyl mushrooms for sale”
An old woman stands in the market with a “Chernobyl mushrooms for sale” sign. A man goes up to her and asks, “Hey, what are you doing? Who’s going to buy Chernobyl mushrooms?” And she tells him, “Why, lots of people. Some for their boss, others for their mother-in-law…”
4. So…..Who’s is It?
A Russian argues with a wife, who will raise their son after their divorce.
– I’m his mother, so I will raise him!
– Wait, wait… Just think:
If there is a Coke vending machine, I drop in a coin and out comes a can. So whose can is it – mine or the machine’s?
3. “Is something wrong? Am I not funny?”
Here’s one about the gulag. A little background: Many jokesters ended up doing time in Siberia, and obviously couldn’t be heard telling jokes while they were there. So, they invented a system where each joke was identified by a designated number. Let’s call this joke #39. Here’s how this one goes:
A couple of prisoners are sitting around the gulag, telling each other jokes. One guy says, “Number 39,” and they both start laughing. The second guy counters with, “Number one hundred forty three,” and even more laughs are had.
At this point a third guy hears their merriment, and comes over to offer his own. “Number eighty four.” Silence. Confused, he tries again. “Seventy two.” Still nothing. The other two look at him warily. “Sixty one? Two hundred? Six hundred and two?”
Finally, he asks the first two guys, “Is something wrong? Am I not funny?”
The first guy solemnly replies, “It is not so much the jokes you tell, but the way you tell them.”
2. “Who sneezed?”
Stalin is giving a long speech at an event, naturally in front of a huge audience. While he’s in full flow, somebody near the front of the hall sneezes. Stalin stops and surveys the crowd.
“Who sneezed?” he asks.
“I repeat,” says Stalin, “who sneezed?”
Not a peep.
“Very well,” says Stalin. “First row, stand up!” Everyone in the first row stands up. “Guards! Open fire!”
A few seconds later, the entire first row of the audience is lying in bloody heaps on the ground.
“Now, who sneezed?” Still not a whimper. “Second row, stand up! Guards! Open fire!” The second row writhes and breathes its last.
“Now, comrades: who sneezed?” Absolute silence. “Third row! Stand up! Guards! Op….”
“Wait! Wait!” From the sixth row a man rises, shaking so hard with fear that he can barely stay on his legs. “Please! Comrade Stalin! It was me. I sneezed.”
Stalin fixes his eye on the wretch. The entire audience watches, paralysed.
“Yes, Comrade Stalin, yes. It was me.”
“Bless you, comrade!”
1. In the Still of the Night
It’s night time and the bar is closed. A German, French, Japanese, Mexican, and Russian mouse are all peering out a hole in the wall into a local bar. They are consulting and arguing with one another if the cat is somewhere in the bar.
The German mouse steps up and looks around, all is quiet, he doesn’t see the cat. He rushes to the bar, pours himself a beer, drinks it in a single gulp and rushes back to the burrow.
After a few minutes the French mouse looks out of the hole, he doesn’t see any stinking cat. He dashes to the bar, pours himself a brandy, slowly drinks it and immediately strolls back.
The Japanese mouse decides to do the Samurai stealth move he’s all quiet sneaking out, gets to his destination, he heats up his sake, drinks it and slowly sneaks back to the burrow.
The Mexican mouse grabs his guitar, he peers out of the hole, no cat, bravely he sings himself to the bar tilts back a tequila, and then stumbles back to the hole.
Finally the Russian mouse saunters up to the hole, peers out, no cat, he takes his time getting to the bar, pours 100 grams of Russian vodka, makes a toast to his fellow mice then drinks. He looks around and thinks hell there’s no cat. Decides to pour a second drink, drinks it, looks around still no
damn cat. Getting a little cocky he decides to pour a third drink, then a fourth and a fifth … After the fifth he pulls up a chair and sits down, he looks around again, still no cat!
The Russian mouse then stretches out his little body, looks around again and angrily mutters: “Well then we will just wait the ***** around.