Top Ten Russian Jokes


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10. The Whole System is Broken

A plumber is sent to the gulag as a political prisoner. An intellectual asks him, “You are a plumber. What could you have possibly done?” The plumber replies “I was called to the politburo office to check some problem with the sewage pipes. I told them that the whole system is broken and has to be replaced. They sent me here”

0305001418-l9. Comrade Kurushchev-Third from the Left

Kurushchev once visited a pig farm. The local Pravda office was asked to publish the photos of the visit. The editor could not think of a suitable caption for the photo “Comrade Kurushchev with pigs”, “Pigs with Comrade Kurushchev”, nothing sounded right. FInally he titled it “Comrade Kurushchev- Third from the left”

sochi-opening-ceremony-20140208-1 (1)8. “O!” – Applause.

At the 1980 Olympics, Brezhnev begins his speech. “O!”—applause.  “O!”—more applause. “O!”—yet more applause. “O!”—an ovation. “O!!!”—the  whole audience stands up and applauds. An aide comes running to the  podium and whispers, “Leonid Ilyich, those are the olympic rings,  you don’t need to read it!”

Prison warden Lt. Col. Leonid Siliverstov, left, stands in a cell with inmates, Thursday, June 6, 2002, at the Sergiev Posad pretrial holding facility about 80 kilometers (50 miles) north of Moscow. A Russian human rights group is trying to import a British system of volunteer monitors who would be prisoner advocates in Russia's overcrowded, disease ridden penal system. (AP Photo/Mikhail Metzel)

7. Visiting the Nine

A Russian, a Frenchman and an American argued who was the bravest man. The American said, “For example, we take ten cars of which one has no brakes. We throw dice, each of us gets a car, we drive on a mountain road. Afterwards one of us is in a hospital, and the other nine visit him there.”

“That’s nothing,” the Frenchman said. “We choose ten girls and one of them has AIDS. We throw dice and each one of us gets a girl, and we make love to them throughout the night. Afterwards one of us is in a hospital, and the other nine visit him.”

The Russian said, “We gather in an apartment, even though we know that one of us must be an informer. We tell political jokes throughout the night, and then nine are in jail, and one visits the nine there.”

breadline

6. They’ve Run out of Bullets

Stalin is dead and things have begun to lighten up a bit relatively speaking. An old couple live in an apartment in Moscow and she sends him down to buy some meat for supper. After queuing for the obligatory three hours he gets to the counter and the woman says ‘No more meat, meat finished’. He cracks and starts raving ‘I fought in the Revolution, I fought for Lenin in the First World War and for Stalin in the Second World War and we are still in this shit?’ One of the leather-jacketed brigade takes him on one side and says ‘Look old man you know you can’t talk like this. Just think, a few years ago you would have been shot for saying these things.’ The old man trudges home. His wife seeing him empty-handed says ‘Run out of meat again have they?’ He says: ‘It’s worse than that, they’ve run out of bullets.’

saint_petersburg_lammin-selling_wild_mushrooms_farmer_market

5.”Chernobyl mushrooms for sale”

An old woman stands in the market with a “Chernobyl mushrooms for sale” sign. A man goes up to her and asks, “Hey, what are you doing? Who’s going to buy Chernobyl mushrooms?” And she tells him, “Why, lots of people. Some for their boss, others for their mother-in-law…”

Soda-Vending-Machine

4. So…..Who’s is It?

A Russian argues with a wife, who will raise their son after their divorce.

Mother:
– I’m his mother, so I will raise him!

Father
– Wait, wait… Just think:

If there is a Coke vending machine, I drop in a coin and out comes a can. So whose can is it – mine or the machine’s?

2D274905419403-140318-muppets-most-wanted-gulag.today-inline-large

3. “Is something wrong? Am I not funny?”

Here’s one about the gulag. A little background: Many jokesters ended up doing time in Siberia, and obviously couldn’t be heard telling jokes while they were there. So, they invented a system where each joke was identified by a designated number. Let’s call this joke #39. Here’s how this one goes:

A couple of prisoners are sitting around the gulag, telling each other jokes. One guy says, “Number 39,” and they both start laughing. The second guy counters with, “Number one hundred forty three,” and even more laughs are had.

At this point a third guy hears their merriment, and comes over to offer his own. “Number eighty four.” Silence. Confused, he tries again. “Seventy two.” Still nothing. The other two look at him warily. “Sixty one? Two hundred? Six hundred and two?”

Finally, he asks the first two guys, “Is something wrong? Am I not funny?”

The first guy solemnly replies, “It is not so much the jokes you tell, but the way you tell them.”

Stalin-is-captured-in-an-off-record-photo-by-Lt.-Gen

2. “Who sneezed?”

Stalin is giving a long speech at an event, naturally in front of a huge audience. While he’s in full flow, somebody near the front of the hall sneezes. Stalin stops and surveys the crowd.

“Who sneezed?” he asks.

Deathly silence.

“I repeat,” says Stalin, “who sneezed?”

Not a peep.

“Very well,” says Stalin. “First row, stand up!” Everyone in the first row stands up. “Guards! Open fire!”

A few seconds later, the entire first row of the audience is lying in bloody heaps on the ground.

“Now, who sneezed?” Still not a whimper. “Second row, stand up! Guards! Open fire!” The second row writhes and breathes its last.

“Now, comrades: who sneezed?” Absolute silence. “Third row! Stand up! Guards! Op….”

“Wait! Wait!” From the sixth row a man rises, shaking so hard with fear that he can barely stay on his legs. “Please! Comrade Stalin! It was me. I sneezed.”

Stalin fixes his eye on the wretch. The entire audience watches, paralysed.

“You sneezed?”

“Yes, Comrade Stalin, yes. It was me.”

“Bless you, comrade!”

00-0f-vodka-10-11

1. In the Still of the Night

It’s night time and the bar is closed. A German, French, Japanese, Mexican, and Russian mouse are all peering out a hole in the wall into a local bar. They are consulting and arguing with one another if the cat is somewhere in the bar.

The German mouse steps up and looks around, all is quiet, he doesn’t see the cat. He rushes to the bar, pours himself a beer, drinks it in a single gulp and rushes back to the burrow.

After a few minutes the French mouse looks out of the hole, he doesn’t see any stinking cat. He dashes to the bar, pours himself a brandy, slowly drinks it and immediately strolls back.

The Japanese mouse decides to do the Samurai stealth move he’s all quiet sneaking out, gets to his destination, he heats up his sake, drinks it and slowly sneaks back to the burrow.

The Mexican mouse grabs his guitar, he peers out of the hole, no cat, bravely he sings himself to the bar tilts back a tequila, and then stumbles back to the hole.

Finally the Russian mouse saunters up to the hole, peers out, no cat, he takes his time getting to the bar, pours 100 grams of Russian vodka, makes a toast to his fellow mice then drinks. He looks around and thinks hell there’s no cat. Decides to pour a second drink, drinks it, looks around still no damn cat. Getting a little cocky he decides to pour a third drink, then a fourth and a fifth … After the fifth he pulls up a chair and sits down, he looks around again, still no cat!

The Russian mouse then stretches out his little body, looks around again and angrily mutters: “Well then we will just wait the ***** around.

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35 thoughts on “Top Ten Russian Jokes

    1. Steve, russians actually did a well joke to Microsoft Spying.
      Destroy Windows 10 (7, 8) Spying

      http://dws.wzor.net/

      Make a post about this program.
      It will be very usefull for ppl.
      It is absolutely FREE and it is free from copyright (that is how most info and soft should be).
      It also has absolutely colpetely open source code.

      Windows 10 is ultemately spying system – it agthering absolutely everything about you, your linked and social enviroment(inc. other people) and even reads your emails and record what you type anytime from keyborad(have buildin keylogger).
      Microsoft cheats users in abs. every aspect – now they forcing user to upgrade to WIn10 “for free” later(in 1 year) user will must pay every month or every year for using Win10. em.. Spyn10
      And M$ sure shares gathering data with BigBro and third parties(for money).

      They pushed some of that even in Windows 7 and Windows 8 with last updates.
      http://lifehacker.ru/2015/09/04/shpionskie-funktsii-windows/

      1. I think… I like russian people, is strong y artistic. I love Dostoievski Tolstói, Lake of swan, Nutcracker and yours beautiful underground train… and matruskasand of course. My english is slow, fast mind, slow fingers, sorry 

      1. Poster or calendar with such picture would be ideal gift to Mr. McCain.

        Better would be only picture of Stalin together with president Hồ Chí Minh kidding together.
        he-he ))

  1. Steve, russians actually did a well joke to Microsoft Spying.
    Destroy Windows 10 (7, 8) Spying

    http://dws.wzor.net/

    Make a post about this program.
    It will be very usefull for ppl.
    It is absolutely FREE and it is free from copyright (that is how most info and soft should be).
    It also has absolutely colpetely open source code.

    Windows 10 is ultemately spying system – it agthering absolutely everything about you, your linked and social enviroment(inc. other people) and even reads your emails and record what you type anytime from keyborad(have buildin keylogger).
    Microsoft cheats users in abs. every aspect – now they forcing user to upgrade to WIn10 “for free” later(in 1 year) user will must pay every month or every year for using Win10. em.. Spyn10
    And M$ sure shares gathering data with BigBro and third parties(for money).

    They pushed some of that even in Windows 7 and Windows 8 with last updates.
    www_lifehacker_ru/2015/09/04/shpionskie-funktsii-windows/

    1. Here is some small part of “updates” for Windows 7, which are connected with Win10 and so or forcing user for Win10 ugrade or instaling the spyware modules into Windows 7.


      ——————————————-
      [INFO] Remove update KB3090045
      [INFO] Remove update KB3080149
      [INFO] Remove update KB3075249
      [INFO] Remove update KB3068708
      [INFO] Remove update KB3044374
      [INFO] Remove update KB3035583
      [INFO] Remove update KB3022345
      [INFO] Remove update KB3021917
      [INFO] Remove update KB3015249
      [INFO] Remove update KB3012973
      [INFO] Remove update KB2990214
      [INFO] Remove update KB2977759
      [INFO] Remove update KB2976978
      [INFO] Remove update KB2952664
      [INFO] Remove update KB2922324
      [INFO] Remove update KB971033
      ——————————————-

      Again this is only some part of them – not all.

      An sure M$ bitches not talking client\user what exatly and for what for he\she is downloading and instaling these “updates”.

      I just casually updated my system few days ago and immidiately noticed some strange activity and noticed some unmanned data migration through lan ports.

      So started inspecting what is going on.

    2. And some addtional info.
      Exist some other soft from companies with the same targets or rather marketing.
      For example O&O ShutUP10. But actually it does NOTHING except of editing the HOST what is useless by its own.
      Moreover O&O company is a prime OFFICIAL partner of Microsoft… and after that they say that thay are creating anti-spyware for Windows\Spydows??? 😉 No wonder that their prog actually sucks.

      Btw – Microsoft Explorer and Google Chrome browser may swear that DWS file is a maleware\virus etc… – don’t trust these messages!
      With DWS anybody on site pointed above can also dowload the source code what is open and check out if there is any malware in the code.

      Google and Microsoft just shares the same policy and pursuing the same targets….and often have the same clients for BigData and MetaData arrays (at least some part of them ..one of the biggest ones are the same ones).
      With Firefox browser there will be no any “warning” messages for sure.

    3. And some addtional info.
      Exist some other soft from companies with the same targets or rather marketing.
      For example O&O ShutUP10. But actually it does NOTHING except of editing the HOST what is useless by its own.
      Moreover O&O company is a prime OFFICIAL partner of Microsoft… and after that they say that thay are creating anti-spyware for Windows\Spydows??? 😉 No wonder that their prog actually sucks.

      Btw – Microsoft Explorer and Google Chrome browser may swear that DWS file is a maleware\virus etc… – don’t trust these messages!
      With DWS anybody on site pointed above can also dowload the source code what is open and check out if there is any malware in the code.

      Google and Microsoft just shares the same policy and pursuing the same targets….and often have the same clients for BigData and MetaData arrays (at least some part of them ..one of the biggest ones are the same ones).
      With Firefox browser there will be no any warning messages for sure.

  2. Hilarious trolling! (eng. subs available)

    A lot of truth and fun\thin troll the same. 😀
    Actual for mnay countries. Esp. for India too.

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